Well I don’t really know where to start, it has been a couple weeks since I last updated all of you. We have since met with my surgeon, my plastic surgeon, the director of the breast center along with his wife, and a friend at church who has had a single mastectomy. We also went on a wonderful trip to Maine to spend some time with family over the 4th of July. It has been a whirlwind of emotions throughout this time.
For a while I was knowingly in denial, I had a couple of weeks where life was almost back to normal, meaning I had a little space from the continuous flow of one consultation after another. So within that time, I was in the mentality of “enjoying the calm before the storm” but sadly that time has passed. Now I believe I am just in a time of grief, saddened that I am in this situation, and that I need to make a decision on whether I will breast feed our possible future children or not. Battling whether it is a selfish decision or a wise one, praying for wisdom and clarity. While seeking the wisdom of the multitude of doctors, friends, and family that the Lord has placed around us.
Just to clarify, the decision at hand is single mastectomy or double mastectomy. My right breast has 1 confirmed cancerous spot + 2 other possible cancerous spots. So at this point the decision of single mastectomy is happening either way, I don’t really have a choice on that one. The decision for my left is do I take the preventative measure to avoid the probable growth of cancer in my left breast. It has been clarified to me that it is likely that over the span of my life I will develop cancer in the left.
From the counsel of seeking many people, much prayer and having a second opinion of the director of the breast center who is also a believer who attends our church(wow, God connection). We have decided to do the double mastectomy with reconstruction. The surgery is scheduled for August 15th and it will be 4 ½ hours long. I’ll stay overnight and then I will start the laborious process of 4-6 weeks of recovery before I have a second surgery the date of which is undetermined.
I will not claim this time has been easy, I have been sad, I have been mad and everything in between. The thought of cutting off a part of myself is really hard to come to terms with, and its not something I ever imagined I would do, honestly I don’t really like the idea of anything fake being installed in my body. I love the way the Lord has made all of who I am and how he continuous to develop me into who he has created me to be.
With that said I know and rest in the fact that he is in control. That he has graciously placed me in a time and space where there is a cure for DCIS breast cancer, and even where there is reconstruction surgery. That he has surrounded us in a community that is truly caring for us throughout this time and helping us to process all of it when we could easily suppress. That the burden of finances has been completely lifted from us. That each day I can cry out to my loving savior and know that he knows my heart better than anyone ever could.
The Lord has been so near throughout all of this, through my tears I cry out to him and know that he feels my pain and that I am not alone. With each step he is there with me, he is my comforter, my healer and my friend.
A friend sent me this, and it has been so comforting, I hope it comforts you in any trials that you may be encountering today or in the days to come!
“Will you remain with me when you can no longer explain your circumstances and why things seem to be left unattended? Will you stay with me when what is allowed to play out at the moment seems cruel and mean? Will you continue in faith when all you can do is shake your head at what has transpired in your situation thus far? Will you be faithful when it appears that the enemy is winning instead of your Lord and Savior?
Children, there will be times when life is cruel, unfair, and almost unbearable. IF YOU REMAIN WITH ME you will be upheld, kept, and made victor every time. You are going to face things that will shake you to the core unless you are rooted and grounded in Me, my Word, and our relationship. Trust that I will ultimately win out and provide grace and strength to come through such times. Be fully persuaded that My power will see you through each day. Daily you are given a measure of faith and strength. Seek My face each new day and I will supply a divine undertaking in your behalf.”
Isaiah 43:1,2 “…’Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”